my life is actually a series of very odd blessings right now. I can't say much else, but it is sincerely good.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/588128.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

I can pay my rent!

HQ had an absolutely fantastic birthday, at an arcade full of old school games, with most of his favorite people, including his godfather/waterbro who he hasn't seen in a whiiiile.

Said godfather/waterbro is one of my absolute all time favorite people in the goddamn universe and I am so excited to have him back in our lives and he seems, although still not well, happy.

He's coming over this evening to sit on the dock and catch up about the huge life changes we have both gone through the last couple years.

One of my favorite young people has her membership meeting to live here tonight. It is slightly less than awesome that I am skipping her meeting, but I will be at the next house meeting where it is actually decided, and there was DRAMA at the last membership meeting for someone I am friends with, so it is for the best to skip it.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/587986.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

because I still can not cover the bounced check or my current payment. sucked up and emailed my only cousin with money, who couldn't help last time to see if she could do a loan where I pay her back each pay period. She can do some, but not the whole amount I am behind, and isn't sure how much. if you could all just cross your fingers that when she looks at her finances she has more than she thought and can do the whole thing?

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/587650.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

a badass person got me a wiscon membership so I have that to look forward to, even if I might be getting kicked out a week later.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/586281.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

i will never get ok financially. I keep getting so close and then something oes to shit. fuckfuckfuck. A friend who owes me a shit ton of money is finally getting back to work though, so unless that fucks up, there may be light, if I can come up with a couple hundred bucks in the meanwhile. I am just so tired of being behind.


eta I am aware this may be the anxiety disorder making it larger than it is.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/586191.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

ok, so I have the option to switch rooms in the coop to a slightly smaller room on the first floor.
Cons:Slightly smaller. Closer to the drum kit. There is one asshole who I don't get along with down there who doesn't want me to move in on his floor.
Pros: two of my closest friends in house, including my favorite whose kids are po's best friends, would be right across the hall. Closer to the main rooms/kitchen to hear what kids are doing. room is painted an awesome red instead of the yellow and teal mine is. 20 bucks cheaper. Closer to better bathrooms. Not on the same floor as any of the people who bitch about kids and noise.

Opinions?

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/585224.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

and I am doing really good at not doing that thing where I sign up for like 18 panels. I do not even LIKE being on panels. I'm still signing up for a couple though.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/584042.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

I am taking all the money that I have to the co-op office place on monday, along with my willingness to grovel, and hopefully even though it is now short because of the returned check fee it will be enough. I'm so fucking close.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/580892.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

and I wound up still being short on the rent check, in part because my fucking paycheck didn't get deposited by my boss yet and a check that should have gotten here today didn't. So I have defaulted on my payment plan, gotten another fucking bank fee, and am fucked.

I was so fucking close to having this shit right. And now everything is fucked.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/580641.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

I have the kindest, most supportive friends. I am now within reach of being okay. holy shit. thanks.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/580562.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

okay, so you know how I have been in constant financial crisis since the breakup, so a year and a fucking half now? And I almost had my shit together thanks to a ass-ton of help? well, I am super fucking fucked again. Since Z took the boykid, he has cut my payments in half, which is fair, but has left me scrambling to make rent. And then there has been some fucking bullshit where certain shit that I thought he cancelled was still coming out of my bank account, which overdrew me by a fuckload.
I set up a payment plan to pay off what I am behind on rent over the next couple of months, and have given the house a check for the first set of payments. I gave it to them ahead of time, knowing that they do bank runs on the fifth of each month and it wouldn't be cashed until then. and then the overdrafting bullshit went down, and even when my paycheck gets here, there will not be enough to cover the check.

So basically, I am going to default on my payment plan and me and po will be evicted if I don't come up with like 450 dollars by wednesday. I do not know what to do there is NO FUCKING WAY I can get my hands on that much money in 5 days. None. I have picked up some more work than I had before, which will help in the long run, but that's not going to bring in jack shit in that timeframe.
I keep getting so fucking close to being able to get on track, and then more shit happens. I am a fucking failure. Honest to fuck, if we get evicted that means Z gets po full time, and I don't think I can deal with that. I'm so fucking wrecked over him having HQ, and if I lose po too I am done trying. I'm still barely recovered from last months suicidal breakdown, and i can feel myself losing my shit again.

I fucking hate myself for asking for help yet a-fucking-gain, but I don't know what the fuck else to do. If anyone has anything to spare that they want to donate or lend indefinitely, my paypal is still maevele@gmail.com. It seems as though I am always fucking begging. Thank you all for putting up with me. SHare this if you think anyone else wants to help.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/580254.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

I seem to have entered a major depressive episode. So not even a little okay. Still probably about to be evicted because I can not get even close to caught up financially.

JUST FUCKED. want to spend days crying in bed, but I have po and am babysitting a housemate kid.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/579696.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

the lack of posting about drama and adventures in my life does not mean that there has been a lack of it. It means that the drama has kept me too busy to blog about it, and in some cases no longer sure what I am willing to post about. It has been rough. And exciting.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/579498.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

with all the rent related bullshit, I fucking failed to have any money left for po's birthday party which is tomorrow. I could go help a friend move and probably make a few bucks, but I have a splitting goddamn headache and need to like, make a fucking cake and shit tonight. FFFFUUUUUCCCKKK.

So, yeah, anyone want to spot me birthday money?

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/576984.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

things have been happening. I MADE THE WHOLE BACK RENT! LIKE ALL OF IT! Through donations, side work and one loan, I made it. technically they could still evict me, if I don't jump through a couple more co-op hoops, but now that they have the money they won't do it. YAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAY. There was a tense moment when I thought the transfer from paypal would take long enough that the fucking check would still bounce, but nope! And I turned in my payment plan for august, which had fucking better be approved. And as of the fifteenth, I am only contracted for one room, that I can afford for realsies.

Also, totally behind on work because my brain went OH FUCK, REEEENT for several days straight. only reason I am still up is that I am tryna work. Back to that soon.

I just really am the living embodiment of relief, and I want to thank everyone who has ever helped me through the batch of clusterfuck that followed the whole marriage thing falling to shit. With all my heart, I am so fucking thankful to everyone.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/576599.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

I started a chipin for my rent trouble recently, and now, well, a certain awesome person is offering incentives.
From her post:

So, internet: if the get $250 in the next five days, I will do the notorious cinnamon challenge and post a video of it online. If they get $500 in the next five days, I will eat an entire tube of saltine crackers without taking a drink before I do the cinnamon challenge. If they get the full $700 being sought on the Chipin, I will eat a dry bowl of Cap’n Crunch (avec les berries cruncheuse, s’il vous plait) before I eat the saltine crackers. If they get a $1,000, I will do the cinnamon challenge with fresh nutmeg and hallucinate that William S. Burroughs is trying to harvest my cat’s brainwaves through the telephone. All on cam. One continuous take, no interruption and no drinking.


see more at http://alexandraerin.tumblr.com/post/28439909406/for-a-friend-like-this-i-will-swallow-my-pride-among

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/576404.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

GUESS WHO STILL AIN'T FUCKING PAYING ME?

and as a result, guess who, despite all the help they have gotten, is still FUCKING FUCKED?


still behind on work because of the constant freaking out too, which is goddamn awesome.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/574700.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

For set up, everything today has sucked out loud, except for like an hour or two I spent in a hammock. Otherwise I have been a ball of fuck you, and everyone around me has been an assface too, so I hate 93.6 percent of the fucking world.

So, as you know bob, I have this regular writing gig thing. And I push my deadlines all the time, am always convinced I'm about to get fired. this week my boss gave me extra work, but warned me that if I didn't make deadline, she was going to have to cut me back on assignments, and that's totally fair, I'll bust ass to get shit done. And then I was busy the day she sent out the assignments, which she does by posting a shared document with everyone who writes for them, and we put our names down next to the ones we're gonna do, and I decided to wait to claim mine once I had time to seriously work for a while, so didn't mark them as mine. Took a disco nap tonight to try to ease my hatred, woke up ready to work, loaded the list of assignments and there are none on there that haven't been claimed.

I pretty much immediately determine that this means I have been fired for not picking my posts fast enough and she gave all my work to another person. I email her, but it's late, and she isn't around to tell me whether I have been sacked. So I freak the fuck right on out for half an hour, start brainstorming other work options, cry and rage at myself, panic, you know, like you do.

Then, I look at the overall list of documents, and lo and motherfucking behold, I realize she had also recently updated the last most recent list of posts.

Mine were on that one.

I am not fired.

I am just really fucking stupid.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/574020.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

A year ago today, well yesterday now, has been a full calendar year since shit went down with my ex, and I had to start a new life, basically. And I have been a fucking wreck all week, and tonight I partied with my housemates for solstice and looked at my life, and I win. For all my problems, I’m happy with where my own decisions have gotten me now that I’m not basing them on certain influences. They haven’t all been good choices, but they’re getting me to a good place, and doing right by my kids, no matter what people may think.

But my god, it has been a hell of a year. And nothing I expected. Going to bed now.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/573386.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments

a couple of huge wiscon posts both general and personal, but am still catching up on time stuff from the con. But now I am back in huge financial freakout mode, and am completely out of options. I am overdrawn, not going to make rent, have 59 cents, and am panicking. It is official, I CAN NOT DO THIS. far as I have come, as much help as I have gotten, I still can not stay above water and I just hate myself for it. I am so fucked again. I don't know what to do.

originally posted at http://maevele.dreamwidth.org/571003.html Comment there with OpenID or ask me for a code, or here if you must comments